I wish my penis had an off switch
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
