Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
