It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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