I can tuck mytits in my pants
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize