Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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