we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
