theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
