what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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