i wish my penis had a tongue
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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