You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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