when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
