Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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