I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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