Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
