what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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