Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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