god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
