So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
