I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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