Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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