I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
