3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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