In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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