Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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