Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
