this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
it's like iHOP with fire
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize