How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Dicks are not precious.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
