he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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