I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize