shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
