the day after is always just damage control
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize