Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
