***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I AM VODKA MAN
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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