so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
