I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
