hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize