so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
