Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
