I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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