EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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