I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
