Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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