I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
