you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
