I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
