I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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