If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize