They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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