Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
nutella sex= disaster
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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