how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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