He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
