the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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