Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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