my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize