I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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