god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
