My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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