john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you didnt know i had herpes?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
