Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
