I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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