He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
