mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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