11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
